Original Action Adventure Fantasy Psychological Romance Sci-fi Tragedy Martial Arts Virtual Reality
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Sexual Content
My name is Arthur.

I was murdered five years ago.

Instead of dying, I wound up in Hell. To survive there, I had to make myself more than what I was. I had to forge myself into a weapon.

And now I have returned. Not as the naive boy that I was, but as a man who will exact his vengeance.

This is my story.

Cover credit: nerdist.com
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Character Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Total Views :
  • 93,505
  • Average Views :
  • 3,740
  • Followers :
  • 203
  • Favorites :
  • 60
  • Ratings :
  • 23
  • Pages :
  • 209
Advertisement
Go to Table of Contents
Rate it
Report
Advertisement
Author
asphaltus

asphaltus

Achievements
Advertisement
Reviews

Leave a review

Argos
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

A [Requested] Review by 'The Group'

Overall


Arthur ReD is a story that tried hard to mesh the worlds of The Arrow and The Elder Scrolls games along with implementing VRMMORPG, but fails due to an imbalance between the two genres and a plot that follows too closely with The Arrow. As well, the MC isn’t a very relatable character from the beginning, what with his creation of the game’s AI as well as his hell training. While the fight scenes are rather well done in the story, sometimes the misuse, mistaken or just plain missing words causes problems in the flow of the story. Along with that, the many flashbacks and time changes causes the format of the story to take a turn for the worst as it creates a lot of problems in terms of keeping the timeline straight. Good in the show, bad on paper I would think.


[spoiler]


Writing


The writing style and format for Arthur ReD is messy and slightly difficult to understand initially. Written in ‘mostly’ first person, the perspective of the story switches between different characters in the same chapter and lacks a true focus that most stories are supposed to have. In layman terms, the writing is the similar to how a movie or show would play out as the scenes shift to different focal characters. Although not necessarily bad, the story does not seem to have perfected the style so the length, switches and scenes themselves appear messy.


Subsections are used within the story to pronounce when the scene changes. This is strange as chapters will have several POV changes by actually labeling the next area as “Arthur’s POV” or “Edward Crane’s POV”. Although this may be good in a rough draft where the author would like to keep his story planned out, the writing style appears very weak if the author is required to keep those POV subtitles instead of being able to smoothly integrate various perspectives in the story through writing.


The descriptions of the story are both there and not there. Initially there is a description of the city the MC is currently in and then that’s it. The city is not memorable past that first description which makes it a problem of quality for the story. While the characters do travel through the city, the descriptive style (or lack thereof) for the story leaves much to the reader’s imagination or whatever knowledge they already had from the Elder Scrolls games.


And to accompany the last section, the telling style of the story is also rather hard to swallow. When the Imperial City was described, it was done in a telling style instead of shown through the main character’s eyes and action. While this is fine if the main character was only passing through, the Imperial City is the place the MC is exploring the most which makes the need for better descriptions a must. This is not only about the Imperial City, but also about the different areas the characters visit, as well as the visual effect they have.


Character descriptions are lacking. What I mean by this is that a character’s initial description is again the only place they are told. I’ll use the example of Kent. Handsome and strong, Kent’s description lasted a whole few minutes of wonder as the MC saw the ‘regular’ guard’s handsome features. If one were to expand on that, the story could show how other, ‘female’ (or male) civilians viewed Kent in comparison to their view of the MC. The only character that seemed to be constantly ‘shown’ is the Maneater Iorveth and the way the others viewed him with horror, but his corpse eating quirk is an easy thing to repeatedly use.


Time skips and time repeats and flashbacks. All of these are used interchangeably and confusingly. The occasional flashbacks are reminiscent of The Arrow series, but they are also done rather randomly. Unlike The Arrow where each episode has a clear mini plot for the regular timeline as well as the flashback, Arthur ReD does not have such a thing. Instead, the flashbacks seem randomly added and quite short and boring in and of itself. His personality (angry) and his skills in the game would explain his time in hell, but to me the flashbacks are just showing a confusing backstory to his goals.


For the time skips and rewinds, various chapters have places where the story starts a scene, then changes to sometime a few hours earlier before going back to the main. A horribly inefficient way of showing plot progression as this makes the timeline for the story hard to grasp. One minute they are fighting in the arena, the next they go back in time to when the MC met his arena buddy, and then back to the arena battle.


Fight scenes for this story were actually rather good. Smooth and short, the scenes delivered what they needed to deliver and didn’t try too hard. As well, they still delivered the emotions from the MC as well as the enemy he faced without being too much of a problem. This made them well written and pleasing to read.


Grammar-wise, the story is better written than most, but there are cases where words are just missing from the sentences. It’s kinda hard to stay focused when “I approached the warehouse (as) sneakily as I could” causes me to stop and add a word into the sentence to make it read better. One or two PRs to catch these mistakes would be good.


In the most recent chapters, the first person perspective all of a sudden switched to third person. Make sure to change the rest of the story and stay in one POV, lest you confuse readers.


Characters


The Main Character is Arthur Stark who had been betrayed and is on a quest to kill Alexei Luther who had killed his father and tossed him into hell. Luther had stolen his AI and is currently using it for his VR game which the MC is, for some reason, playing as a way to get revenge.


First, the reason for why the MC didn’t die when his father did is rather confusing. Second, his being dumped in hell is rather confusing. Third, his reason for playing the game is confusing. Fourth, we need more context for the VR machine and game. All of this may have been in the story, but were missing enough details to cause me to forget them.


The MC’s goal is fine, but the backstory for it is confusing and messy, with most of the mess being in the writing style. As the author had stated in one of his threads, it seems to be a case where what he thought he wrote isn’t exactly the same to the readers eyes. An editor that can look at the story from a reader’s perspective would help.


Explosive anger is also one of the confusing aspects of the story as one would assume his time spent training in hell would have at least allowed him to build a cold exterior, like Oliver Queen. Nope, the MC lashes out at the smallest thing, although it could be PTSD(?). Yea I’m unsure as well.


Edward Crane is the most interesting character in the story, even though I have no idea what exactly he does. He makes a kind of sense and is probably the most easy to relate as a character. However, underneath this there is a worry that his character was not supposed to be as such; that his ‘interestingness’ was an accident created from moving the story along. This worry is based on how the MC is done.


The other characters are, again, odd to acknowledge due to the writing style. Far too many POVs for scenes that require more description of what is happening rather than more perspectives. An example is the scene where the MC is meeting with Kent for the first time. Not necessary to get Kent’s perspective and it would have been better to get more descriptions for the city itself and on the NPCs and other players(?). Yea, wondering why a beta with 1 city lacks players...


World/Logic


The story’s VR game is taking place in the realm of Tamriel! That’s right, the world of the Elder Scrolls game. However, the story doesn’t actually use Elder Scrolls as the game’s title and there wasn’t any note in the synopsis that he was doing a crossover including Elder Scrolls, and there wasn’t a fanfic tag... so this just popped outta nowhere.


Anyways, due to using Elder Scrolls as the world template, I cannot actively comment on the world building since there is no world building…


Now for the logic. Again, the backstory for the MC and his goal is confusing and messy. At the same time, the creation of a VR game is kinda weird since the story included Royal Road and its downfall (which was again weird since I doubt RR would fail due to a problem like server failure…). As well, the act of stealing the MC’s AI seems a little off and brings up the question of what happened to Versailles (RR AI). Also, if the MC was smart enough to make an AI, then why doesn’t he make a better one(?) and use that? Why is he entering the game for revenge?


The skill system in the VR game is, again, similar to Elder Scrolls game. Same magic system and skill leveling system, it is hard to comment on this due to the use of an already built system.


Maneating Iorveth is cool and all, but what did his corpse eating have to do with his situation? He was one of the arena fighters, sure, but it didn’t seem like they were unfed or anything. An explanation for him would be nice. Logically, he shouldn’t really have a reason to eat corpses… Unless he’s weird.


When the system tried to kill the MC irl, that also seemed like a weird scenario. How could the product have been introduced to the world if it had such a serious flaw like KILLING?


The Beta test and how it would affect regular gameplay is lacking a good explanation. The MC has some parts where he goes “this will be good when the game comes out” but there wasn’t a part explaining about such a bonus as keeping skills from beta. Or I missed it.


Again, having the MC’s plan for revenge take place in a game is off for such a story. As one of the characters says, the MC could easily kill his enemy instead of wasting his time… I’ll say the story is too short for this to be such a problem, but if it reaches 40 or 50 chapters without an explanation then the story would seem kinda weak.


Plot


The obvious trappings of the plot in “Arthur ReD” is that it takes itself far too seriously. Although the main themes are obvious vengeance and virtual reality, the two do not mix with each other very well when the former theme is easy to solve as the MC went through hell training, knows the enemy and should have no problem killing the dude. VR seems to basically be something that would be fun to add, but doesn’t fit into the story due to The Arrow type story.


What I mean is that the story looks like it was mashed with two different stories. This is kinda obvious with the ‘Elder Scrolls’ copying and ‘The Arrow’ type (so it doesn't seem like I accused you of plagiarism) storyline, but it still doesn’t work, even for a crossover. On one side, the VR game is an entirely new world (well, old for Elder Scroll players and maybe the old RR players?) that obviously has that charm to it, especially when the MC reminisces about how his father would react. On the other hand, you have the grim “been to hell and back” vibe that doesn’t exactly work when the MC is basically taking revenge by playing a game.


My suggestion is to choose one and stick to it. While the crossover idea was ambitious to do, it just doesn’t work if you are copying (honestly, this sounds low level, is there a nicer way to say this?) most of the things in both worlds.


A fanfic about an Elder Scrolls world is fun to anyone if it’s well written and open world like Royal Road. A story influenced by The Arrow vengeance, while not as popular, is easier to do without all the unnecessary VR elements.


[/spoiler]


NOTE


Please make sure your tags are correct. The Story isn’t ‘Original’ if it’s using town names straight out of an Elder Scroll map. As well, you’re using the same races and countries and pretty much everything. The VR is basically an Elder Scroll VRMMORPG. So that would be ‘fanfic’ tag. Tags help readers understand what they are in for, so they should see that this fic has stuff found in other places and was not originally created.


Pros

  • OK fight scenes
  • Elder Scrolls
  • Archer class

Cons

  • Complicated timeline
  • Odd revenge in VR
  • Unrelatable MC
  • Grammar problems
  • Flashbacks are odd
  • Over-complicated Backstories
  • Too many POV changes
  • Too many perspective changes

 

This review’s comment section can be found at http://royalroadl.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?fid=3478

 

Any questions and/or comments for the review, the reviewer or the author can be posted there if wished.

ldyrdy
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

a review from ero-writer

Hi...You wanted a review so I'll write an Unbiased one.. (biased from me tough)

 

style 2.5/5

Alright.. Here's the deal, I don't like too much change of PoV in one chapter and flashback here and there

. Other than that you have serious potential.. I mean it.. When I see some development will update it later..

 

Story 4/5

It was interesting.. Lot's of influence from here and there but you definitelly try to make it different. I can't wait how it will develop except the issues of sudden flashback it actually explained about MC past..

 

Grammar 3.5/5

english isn't your first language so I can understand, little mistakes here and there but I can't help better either.. someone help asphaltus and be a proofreader or qc if you like the story.. Other than that no real issue on words choosing and paragraph.. Your english better than mine eitherway...

 

Character 3/5

Not alot of character show up and memorable.. The MC has decent personality and he's the main catch but we need more to make it merry... Grab some teammates Or guild? Who knows.. Will update it later..

 

Overall 3.5/5

Storywise it is interesting.. It has potential and can hook you for straight read all the chapter.. To writer I really appreciate your thoughts in putting flashback then change of Pov just to give us clue and connects the dots but then sometimes we may think differently.. No issue with grammar but hoping more character to be put inside the story..

 

Dear reader,

This story has a little bit of mix of everything.. Lot's of idea and it is really interesting.. The style is different not to my liking but some of you may find it refreshing.. Looking for promising story with a room to grow? Read the series and follow it...

Gibster
  • Overall Score

Excellent crossover fanfic

What do you get when you combine Oblvion, the Arrow, and the Matrix?  Evidently a really interesting story.  I was a little skeptical when I started reading because story elements are borrowed heavily from other sources.  However the author makes everything run into each other very smoothly.  

 

I always love a good revenge story and it has been far too long since I last thought about Oblivion.  I am enjoying revisiting old favorites and I am really enjoying the read.  The characters are well written and the world building, albeit it's borrowed nature, is really good as well.  It takes nothing to borrow something else, but it is impressive to mold something else into something new.  

 

I hope the author continues with the regular updates because I cannot get enough.

Lucifer'sIncarnation
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

i was surprised there were no comments for this wonderful ff , so i decided to make one

 

the story setting is interesting but the occasional flash backs are sometimes irritation .... only sometimes

 

the story is only in its early stages with nor much information , but has a lot of potential

 

 

this i will be following this fan fiction and recommend others to give it a try .... 

 

Raevar
  • Overall Score

Like how the novel doesnt lose sight of MC goal even when in the VRMMO

Has lots of potential! 

asphaltus
  • Overall Score

As this is my own story, I maybe a little biased. Please keep that in mind.

The purpose of review is, in my opinion, to express why a person should read the story.  

The idea for Arthur Red was born out of frustration and boredom. I have watched a lot of movies, TV series, cartoons, anime and read a lot of books, manga, and web novels. But after some time, I began wanting more. I wanted all the cool scenes of different things in one place. The best of young adult novels, games, superheroes, science fiction, cyberpunk, neo-noir, spy thrillers, fantasy epics, virtual reality and action. Lots of lots of action. 

There are various fan fictions out there trying to do this, mixing improbable scenarios and having a blast. But I didn’t want to write a fan fiction. I wanted a story which everyone could appreciate equally. And the end result was Arthur Red.

As another reviewer has noted, I have borrowed a lot of things from lots of different places. My writing may not be up to the task. But I hope that the mix of ideas in my story will not be seen as just a mix of ideas. I hope that I can blend them together in a way that the end result is something more than the sum of its parts. I hope that it is something unique and interesting, something that can stand on its own.

As an author, I have tried my hardest to make my story captivating and entertaining. I think that I have, but in the end, it’s not my review that matters. And that’s why I am recommending my story to you, so you can read and judge for yourselves if I have succeeded. If you like it, please leave a rating or a review (doubly more if you don’t). I would be extremely grateful.

Thank You.     

lenny2510
  • Overall Score

good, but not quite good enough for the best rated.

I'm really enjoying this so far, its a VR/The arrow FF, well based on his life flash backs its very similar to the arrow. Keep up the good work, looking forward to more.