Rise of the Undead Legion

by Biakogan

Original ONGOING Action Fantasy LitRPG Strategy Virtual Reality
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Profanity

 

Three years ago ‘Conquest’ opened to the public on paid-access. Created and maintained with cutting-edge technology the simulated environment was rated the top virtual-world and game of the year, and every year after.

Growing up without a family to speak of, Dave was stuck working long hours at low-pay to put food in his mouth and have a place of his own. It wasn’t that Dave didn’t have ambitions, it was just opportunities seldom seemed to come his way. Maybe things would be different if he socialized more, but he was painfully shy and awkward around other people.

 

Author note.

This story looks a bit similar to many VMMORPG stories on this site, however, this will only last for the first few chapters. then you will see how vastly different it is from the regular stories.

Disclaimer, This story's Game settings are inspired by "Rebirth of The Legendary Guardian". just a bit of game settings, not everything. Mainly the "Inheritance" part. you will understand once you read the story. thank you all

As of Chapter 47 the story is being Professionally proofread and edited. earlier chapters will go under proofing later on.

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Biakogan

Biakogan

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TheAgeOfTheYak
  • Overall Score

And another flighty MMO-dive plagued by errors

Before we start, I want to make two things clear:

  1. Ratings: For me, one star equals a story with so many critical flaws that I couldn't get past the first few lines or the (on this site mandatory) prologue. Five stars would be the equivalent of a story I wouldn't mind publishing as a book without further need of editing.
  2. Orthography: Most people on this site have...low standards on everything concerning spelling and punctuation. Commas can be a matter of taste, and I'm not going to mount the barricades because someone doesn't like the Oxford Comma. That being said, there are lots of actually mandatory commas. Spelling in general, use of hyphens, the odd brackets to mix it up maybe — these things are as important as the story, plot, and characters. If you fail with that (and to me that means more than one error per page of script), I'm going to point it out without holding back.

 

Let's set sail with accustomed brutal honesty!

Style and orthography 1.05/5: makes me cringe

  • Orthography (0.75/5): abysmal
    Let's start with the easy one. If even the first paragraph (!) of your story summary, which should act as a teaser and give us the first taste of your mastery of the English language, showcases more than half a dozen errors in splendid brazenness, you might want to look for an editor.
    Some people (foolishly) pay no heed to their introduction, so I counted the errors in the first chapter as well. Halfway through, I stopped counting.

    The only reason I'm almost awarding one point is that, frustratingly, all of this could be fixed within ten minutes if the author actually asked one of the many capable and friendly people of this community to have a look at his chapters (and introduction). It's readable, of course, but tihs sentnce is readbale too, so that shouldn't really be much of an argument. The worst, in my opinion, is the inconsistency of time (switching between tenses); it breaks immersion — severely.
  • Style (1.35/5): not to be found, buried under piles of formal mistakes
    Sadly, the author doesn't recognise different language levels. One of the first sentences in his first chapter characterises his protagonist's life as 'shitty' — and yet only five sentences later, the very same man is described as being 'Not a man of true virtue but still not a man of true evil' (sic!). I admit the stark contrast between these two verbalisations gets a lot more daunting when paraded right next to each other, but the underlying problem is the same in any case.

    This excerpt also demonstrates another common issue within the writing: word repetitions. The wording is trite and well-worn, but one still could've managed to salvage it by rephrasing it like this: 'Not a man of true virtue, XY nevertheless had thrived all his life not to descend to the vilest of vices.'

    In addition to all the aforementioned, the characterisation is unnecessarily wordy in the first chapters. Dear Author, show us what makes your character such a gritty tightrope walker of life — don't just lazily tell us! Write a scene that makes us appreciate his dire lot in life. This would have had the added benefit of you describing the world you thought up. Simply writing: 'My protagonist is a rough but cool guy, totally nice underneath it all' in plain words reveals a lack of effort.

Plot, story, setting (1.21/5): just about what you'd expect

  • Continuity, authenticity, etc (1.65/5): stranger than fiction, literally
    Rise of the Undead Legion relies heavily on stereotypes originating from both the same genre it thrives to emulate as well as popular cultural items such as movies.

    The very first action scene you encounter when reading this story describes a 'red sports car' crashing. In the true intellectual style of Hollywood action flicks, it immediately catches fire, threatening to explode at a moment's notice. I'm not quite sure about the probability of that happening in real life, but I'd expect it to be between two and seven percent at most.

    To continue analysing this scene, the protagonist manages to smash the 'backdoor's window' to open it from the inside — with a random rock. This belongs to the same ill-advised deeds of heroes as fighting with a broken bottle. Kids, don't try it at home — I'm deadly serious! (I have actually seen it happen once; the guy trying to break off the bottleneck was a guest of the hospital for two weeks.)

    After 'grabbing the shoulder on the person' (!), our heroic protagonist Dave realises it's a woman. Still, he manages to undo her seatbelt, somehow twist her body (remember it's supposed to a roadster — they can be quite cramped), and push her outside — while the car is still balancing delicately on the cliff, mind you.
    But, alas, '[...] before he could even walk out. The car fully tilted [...]'.
    To sum it all up, Dave entered a burning, cramped car that could literally fall off the cliff any moment. Honestly, at this point, the author needs to drop a few lines to convince me that Dave isn't suicidal himself. He doesn't though. Because Dave's heroic!

    When Dave wakes up, he's immediately threatened by a thuggish minion. He's either to stay silent about the incident — or he'll be killed. To sweeten the deal, he's given twenty thousand dollars. Now, I ask you this: If someone was desperate enough to kill someone to hush up this trivial incident, why take the risk with some random nobody in the first place? The sum seems also arbitrary. Twenty thousand isn't nearly enough of an investment to ensure lasting loyalty, nor is it quite enough when considering the alternative. Think about it: would you keep your mouth shut for twenty thousand if threatened for your life? Probably yes. Would you do the same without the twenty thousand? Probably yes. Would twenty thousand be enough to keep you from trying to find a way out (or, depending on your character, to get even) — lawyer, special investigators, contacts, and so forth? Probably not, at least not if that's the kind of person you are. Would it have been more prudent to offer a larger sum or none at all? Yes.

    This was all about the prologue. Some of my points may come down to personal taste (I don't deny it), but they still reveal underlying problems: The prologue seems rushed, the whole accident appears to be a ruse to give your poor character some money to play around with, and we still don't learn nearly enough about your world or your character.

    Lastly, I want to talk about details (and the devil within).
    'Each of these regions has tens of thousands of miles of territory. To travel from one end to the other of the map would take about ten months of travel on foot.' (chapter 1, RotUL)
    Tens of thousands are quite a lot. Let's say 'tens' equals fifty (which still seems like a rather low guess to me). So, we're talking about each region spanning at least fifty thousand miles. To travel from one end of the map to the other, you likely need to cross at least (!) two regions, unless the map is rather imaginative, of course. That would mean you need to cross one hundred thousand miles per foot. With all the equipment a 'real' adventurer would need to travel and considering that he'd need to go at a slow pace to not leave himself vulnerable to ambushes and also not counting any prolonged fighting, twenty miles per day is a very generous estimate of progress per foot. 100,000m / 20mpd = 5000 days to cross the map. 5000 days = 13.67 years. 13.7 years are not even close to the promised ten months. You might take this as nitpicking, but if you don't think about this sort of thing while writing a story, you're starting to sound unconvincing.

  • Setting (1.8/5): run-of-the-mill
    Let's talk about games, just for a second. What is the purpose of classes in a game? To offer a wide variety of gameplay experience without breaking the rules of the game; to provide different approaches; maybe to provide a new flavour.

    So what exactly is the purpose of a class that is strictly superior to other classes due to 'hidden bonuses'? To answer your question, no game that is serious about balancing would ever even consider such a thing. This sort of trope stems mostly from Japanese and Korean web novels that are all about making their main characters as unique and incredible as possible.
    Just reading about 'hidden classes' makes me yawn already.

  • Story and plot (0.2/5): virtually non-existing
    There isn't much to say, and that's all that needs to be said, really.
    1. Guy gets thrown into an MMO-like world.
    2. He tries to cheat the rules by being smart.
    3. ???
    4. He gets super badass (profit!)

Characters, progression, and development (1.15/5):

  • Characters (1.8/5): enter the Everyman
    Since I wasn't able to finish more than a few chapters (and that was mostly due to my wish to write a well-researched review), I'll discuss only the protagonist, Dave. Not that I've actually encountered another character worth remembering.

    My gripe with the main character is that, despite the author's clear intent to portrait him as a man suffering from bad luck, I really, really dislike him. I don't think it's intentional either. More than likely, it's just poorly chosen words, sentences and descriptions ruining the characterisation.
    So far, we have talked at length about the prologue. After his heroic deed of nearly dying to mount an unlikely rescue of a total stranger, Dave is angry — so very angry — because he's told to not talk about the incident. You ask why he's so angry? I couldn't tell. Apparently, it's unjust. To me, that appears as if Dave had only done the entire heroic bit of rescuing to get some recognition. He's also worried about the twenty thousand dollars only lasting, I quote, 'a few months'. At this point in time, my theory is that he's a junkie.

    But wait, TheAgeOfTheYak, he's got a lasting injury! Don't you think he might have some redeeming qualities? Let's read further ahead!
    'Dave could do nothing but sulk at the injustice that happened to him.'
    Oh, well, I tried.

  • Character progression (0.5/5): bad
    I only want to highlight one section of the first chapter to make my case.
    Dave gets offered some suspiciously helpful support to buy his...capsule. Yet he refuses! Too much is at stake (ten thousand dollars) considering he still hasn't got a job. So he goes home. We get a short description of his 'shabby [...] yet [...] not filthy' place, a short reminder that he still has seventeen thousand dollars left from our friendly neighbourhood mafia thug (what the hell happened to the three thousand dollars?) and then — just like that — he decides to make the commitment after all.
    Right.

Verdict: Read at your own risk!

The first few chapters are bland, have been done a hundred times like this, and — worse — have been done a hundred times better. Truthfully, I don't care if you do another 'dive into another futuristic MMO — with a twist' story. But if you do it, you need to have something early on to catch my interest: good writing, good ideas, good characters, humour — anything!

The formal errors would've been enough to turn me away but (and this is the real problem) even without them your story is just this: yet another average MMO-dive.

 

WitchCraft
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Mhmm, Not bad. I find it good!

I would love to give this story five stars across the board. I just don't see it being possibly unfortunetly. Granted, the author isn't a native english speaker and has no formal edjucation I consider it very impressive it is written this well. The plot development is pretty interesting. I am enjoying reading this a very substantial amount. Press onward author and continue to write.

 

I definitly think that this is worth a read. The start is a little rough, but the concepts and awesomeness of the style of MMO world make it worth the read.

Lorcogoth
  • Overall Score

greatly recommended but room for improvement

so the introduction is... generic, the first few chapters are better, but where the story shine are the action scenes.

the story itself goes very slowly and character progress has only partially begun at the time of writing.

still the setting is great and dedication to the numbers is impressive,

to the author:

I really like the story but so afar overall progress is slow while progress inside each arc is actually great.(for example: the meeting and adventure with the elven archer (vague for spoilers reasons))

try and make some more story progression, I can see that some of it is already setup so moving forwards shouldn't need much more effort.

hope to hear more of you soon!

Jrs360
  • Overall Score

I am giving this story 5 stars. If you can make it through the admittedly sub par beginning it gets so much better once the action starts. If you proceed to the current chapters he has had an editor review them before posting and the quality is much better. 

Knightfire
  • Overall Score

Disregard the Ivory Tower reviews

 

 I go on Royalroad looking for interesting and original fiction.  Although editing and good grammar help the readability of a story I don't expect a standard equal to a publishing house.  This story has many original elements including the pov of trying to be the only character playing an undead.  His significant limitations and forced for the most part solo play make it interesting.  To judge a story like its classical literature, ie look at the bio of "Theageoftheyak" is just wrong.  I looked at "yak's" other reviews.  He has reviewed 7 stories and given out a total of 16 stars for an average of 2.28 stars.  

Moreover, I think it is important to read at least 50% of the publish chapters before you do a review as many writers on royalroad show improvement as they write.  From his reviews I doubt he does this.

Solkim15
  • Overall Score

I’m really enjoying the story so far my only complaint is I would like for you to try and flesh out the fight scenes a little more. Keep up the good work!

ronrironin
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Don't let the stars fool you, I actually like reading this story. And for someone who is writing in a second language, I say congrats and great job! It is an interesting twist on the LitRPG, making it more like an army based RTS or a complex MOBA and I think it will only get better with more chapters.

mypoorbrain
  • Overall Score

Good story... just not sure if the author following through with his promises and timeline... let’s see how it goes

Amrioni
  • Overall Score

Good start! really good!

Interesting so far! few mistakes and a really good start! looks promising!

cold1757
  • Overall Score
Spoiler: Spoiler

 

I really love the idea behind this story and I want to see where it will go and find out what the ending is, so I got to say this story is a very good one that should continue.