METAMORPHOSIS - devouring Its way to immortality

by Manic_design

Original Action Drama Horror Sci-fi Tragedy Gender Bender Non-Human lead Reader interactive
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Sexual Content
  • Traumatising content

Follow the story of an entity that devours and absorbs Creatures and assumes their form. Watch as the results unfold as the entity starts its humble beginnings as a measly insect, and then eats its way to the top of the food chain, gaining self awareness every step of the way.

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  • Pages :
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Manic_design

Manic_design

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Don_King_Pup
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So far this fiction is pretty great with the main character starting out as a shape shifting pest, and moving his/her way up the food chain.

 

The story had not much going on except for "IT" trying to survive. He survives by simultaneously shifting into other forms and feeding upon his prey to gain more forms. That's all I'm willing to spoil the fiction for others. If you want to know more about the story then go and read it.

 

The style so far is as great as I would want, though the mc can't talk it's understandable since he's slowly becoming more intelligent with each passing day.

 

Grammar is spot on so far that I can see. 

 

Character is well... I'm not gonna put anything for that since the characters are animals and they can barely think for themselves and only go by their instincts on what to do. I'll leave it at 2 1/2 stars until you introduce intelligent lifeforms that can think for themselves. The mc so far though isn't Overpowered or immortal (yet) so that's a plus. 

 

So far you waxed up on this story and it looks squeaky clean so far. 

kazumi
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An in depth review that was originally ten times longer. This is a great read!!

Hi, this is a review of fellow Kazumi. You can take it as is, I hold no responsibility if you change things while heeding to this review and mess up. Don’t misunderstand my tone for being cruel and uncaring, it’s just that I don’t want to deal with the usual nagging of fanboys, not you personally.

 

With that out of the way, let’s start with my review.

 

First thing I see as I open the page is a sh*t load of colored words, some might be thrown off by it, others may go “OH Yeah!!”. I was part of the latter group, but with no reason in particular, it’s a random double-edged sword that I don’t advise using.

I start reading and I’m thrown off by a run-on sentence. Hey, I have no problem with those, but your first sentence should be catchy AND easy to read. You didn’t commit a  “grammatical mistake”, it’s just that it throw off readers while you could have easily made it more poignant, catchy and easy to read. Here is a reworked version that is by no mean perfect, but it’s easier to read and suck you with the flow right away. “In the middle of the night, stars shone with dim, silver light, enlightening the spanning forestry. At the center of the large, dense forest, a small descending object illuminated the surrounding woodland.” Notice here that I separated the description of starlight from the falling object. “Less is more” but the other way around isn’t necessarily true. The reader’s focus span is by far the lowest, you can’t possibly make him take track of two things at once, dammit!

 

Okay, I read a little bit more and find something funny (other than the fragmented sentence where you used both “,” and “and”, just go with one. The only place where you use both is where you already wrote a good chunk of words before the “,” and just “,” wouldn’t cut it), you ARE the author, how can you not be confident of what you write. You said that it appeared to defy gravity, but it DID defy gravity, so eliminate that “appears”, it would make it much more powerful and shocking. I can guess that you wanted that creepy feeling when you say “it appears” and then things become more creepy than if you just say it straight out. However, that only works when you’re doing 1st person pov, and more importantly when you’re writing a horror story, this one isn’t that far  in genre, yet.

 

Okay, I will just make this more general and say “GET RID OF THOSE LY ADVERBS”, okay? You use them too frequently, using them once in a while when things aren’t so important is nothing so bad. However, you use it when IT fought for the first time. Make it more damn interesting!!

 

Sigh, “more time pass” should be used when things aren’t so important. Is the first time your mc using his power not important enough for you? You could have easily described how he weirdly contorted (without using weirdly ofc) and made it overall, more interesting for your readers as they will become interested in this new, foreign creature.

 

Take  that [/color] out, it distract.

 

Okay, I didn’t stop in each mistake to comment on it as that would take LONG, but I’ll sum up the problems I saw with this first chapter. You’re half lazy/ half hard worker. You force yourself into vicious pits, why did you go with the IT? Why the colors? You forgot and wrote “IT”s without coloring them, and one time you used “he” when you should have used IT. You also used past simple while your whole story is in present. Be consistent.

 

I also noticed misplaced commas, fragmented sentences, commas that does not exist when they SHOULD exist, meshed words “Ieatchips”, double spaces and tons of other mistakes. BUT, and this is a big “but”, your story flows well and sucked me right in. It has magic that you don’t find in most fictions. How to say it, it feels as if I’m exploring a new territory as I read and that make me dive into an adventurous, frivolous spirit. For that, thank you. (Nevertheless, if you work things out I’m sure it would have an even better effect. So work things out!!!!)

 

So, I start the second chapter and I’m welcomed by a HOT sentence structure proper to PAST,  in freaking present tense. When you skip the details and say “IT, while hunting, becomes the hunted” we, as readers, automatically think that you’re telling events that happened in the past. I mean, your sentence structure basically scream “Reported speech”, and do you know in what tense we write in reported speech, it’s one step backward, which in this case is past simple. Meaning, don’t do reported speech and just go with it naturally. Something like “shadows of leaves, branches and trees spanned to extremes, as IT notice that night has come after a long wait. IT continues hunting when a hiding spider lunged to ambush IT.” This way, you can make it sound a little bit more theatrical, giving your writing more flavor, and not dive into reported speech.

 

I forgot to say this before, but typing “*” after a word or a sentence that you judge difficult to understand, and writing an explanation in the end of the chapter, is a technique used so that writers don’t mess up like you did. Writing an explanation in parentheses after the word you deem difficult breaks the flow. From my knowledge, only master Unice5656 manages to make it so that her notes doesn’t destroy the flow but do the opposite, the witty humor and the sarcasm give the story a bonus level of deepness. In fact, even SHE received criticism for that. Moral of the story, don’t do it!

 

Okay, I brushed off some typos as I read the second chapter until…. Damn wow, you mind blew me, two times. The first one was in the good way as I imagined the fight between the two spiders in a very anime like way which made me chuckle a bit. No seriously, not so many writers are able to create this imagery. Good job!

 

The second thing that blew me off and this time in a BAD way, your description. You hop from describing one creature to another without really “showing” what IT do with each of its forms that you just left me with a big “HUH???”. You literally say this. “This form do this, this form do that and that other form do THAT. Also, IT did this with this form, It did this with that form and IT did THAT with THAT form.” No, seriously, change that ASAP!!

 

Okay, one last thing I would like to mention. Great job on choosing the colors for the words that you use. They conveyed far more than what words could ever do (I’m saying this while thinking about “reproduce” #bad_guys_will_always_be_bad_guys)

 

Well, so as to not make this even longer than what it already is, I’ll just write pro and cons of this story and then writing a full paragraph where I share my experience as a reader(after I have finished reading ofc. I am writing this review while reading at the same time, hihihi)

 

Pros

The lore of this world is magnificent. It’s close to us, but so far away and we, as reader, thirst to know more about such an interesting world. The author is basically doing the most entertaining documentary EVER made. Seriously, some people should mediate on his ways.

 

The shape-shifting monster is an extremely underused theme, it’s refreshing to see it come back after a long hibernation.

 

The story has flavor, an undertone that immediately seduce the reader. An ominous, coupled with an adventurous feeling, well meshed into the most delicious and refreshing cocktail. 5 stars on that J

 

The combat sequences could use some work, but most of them are vivid and cinematic. They play a huge role in immersing you in the universe created and they make you feel an rush of adrenaline, not even the most neketsu-ish shonen will ever make you experience. This story does remind me, if at least just the combat sequences, of change new world. The author just need that one push of experience to overcome his ordeals.

 

The author show an immense potential of growth. From what I read, other than the first few chapters which had an inconsistent level of quality, all of the chapter are in an ascending progress in terms of quality. The use of telling is less intense, giving place to more refreshing and engaging descriptions. We also notice an expansion of the world that is subtly made. An extremely hard thing to do for even the most prolific authors, Great Job!!

 

Cons

 

Switches between past and present at random. I don’t even know why you went with present in the first place, it’s so damn harder that way. But since you chose present then stick with it to the end.

Massive use of telling, sometimes even in combat sequences. You can’t just describe a fight as if it was a comic show between two friends. Describing everything that happen (noises, punches, aftereffects..) in one sentence is too much. By too much I mostly meant too little!

 

Typos here and there.

Run-ons, fragmented sentences. They are not omnipresent, but still, you need to get rid of every last one of them. Think of them as demons and you as an exorcist, and start actively searching so as to decimate their whole race.

 

Massive use of the word “IT”, it’s getting on my nerves to see it over and over again.

 

Vocabulary could use some work, it’s borderline shallow.

 

Double spaces all the way to the heaven, DAMMIT!!!

 

Extreme use of adverbs, weak sentence structures and sometimes passive voice. Hey, I don’t mind using adverbs or even passive voice(god forbid), it’s just that you’re not using them in the correct form. They should be used as to slow down the rhythm so as to make BIG moments even bigger. I mean, they should only be used so that the things you consider to be important to be given more value, and so by using the contrast effect. You’re using them in tragic moments, hunger moments, insanity moments, liver feeding moments, everywhere moments… SERIOUSLY?

 

Repetition. You repeat yourself like hell. Sometimes you use IT so many times in a row it’s not even funny. It doesn’t even end with just that. All the animals that he encounter, you call them by their name two, three times in the same sentence whit it could have been easily avoided by using “it”. That’s of course given that you miss no “it” that should actually be “IT”. You brought that upon yourself >.>

 

Lack of stylish expressions[for lack of better words ;) (insert pun her)]. Seriously, you need to put more oomph into the story, even a little bit would help. I would have given you a list of links that might help you, but since I’m offline.. Oh well, just check the reviewing section and search for the thread “As is gonna be my end”, check what moonson said and you’ll understand what I meant. Or, you could search it in my own post section which might be easier.

 

Some might think that I didn’t enjoy this story because the number of cons is bigger than that of pros, but that’s wrong. I’ll show that in a second, it’s just that I have problems with expressing what I love about a novel.

 

Okay, I read through the story and I must take back what I said about the explanations stuff, they actually helps, my bad. Someone also seems to have copied from Unice-sama; witty comment are never bad. Oh, well, the story takes a bit of time to suck you in. It’s only when we reach the part with the wolf that the writing take a boost. The grammar part is given a substantial power up and the story become much more interesting. It explore relationship between animals and also fights between packs. Overall, I only stopped reading because I have an exam next day and it’s already 01.00 a.m.

 

 

 

 

Nathan050101
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RyujiiZurc
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awesome, very impressive work

i like it , hope you make more in the futre

IThinkTherforeIAm
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I love this and am considering reading it a second time.

I've read tens of fictions on this site and this is already makes my top ten list!

Additionally, you did great on originality.

Gingi71
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Nice story , 3rd person view

i really  enjoy a story that doesn't go out of is way and keep the same feeling since the beginning, all i can say i want chapters a little longer.

Manic_design
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I need Reviews! Critics, Opinions, Anything!

 

kazumi's review is pretty informative, i like.

Starbringer
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please no romance. why no have him pursue immortality and let the other things be secondary.