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Blood poured from the man’s wounds onto the cold ground beneath him. He knew he was dying and beyond help now. He choked and gasped as bitter blood clogged his throat but he fought to hold still and at least die with dignity. In his last moments, and in front of all these witnesses, he wasn’t going to go out thrashing around like a fish out water. Burn that!

He refused to have regrets, even though he had never gotten what he’d wanted out of life. He had done the best he could and died for what he’d believed in! His would be the last laugh anyway.

He could still feel the inhuman eyes that watched and blazed with hate. The dying man tried to chuckle but all that came out was a weak gurgling cough. The fools had no idea what they’d unleashed! They couldn’t see how the world had changed and turned against them.

As the man’s vision grew dark, scenes from his past began to play out before him. His last breath rattled through his teeth and he couldn’t help but think back to how it had all began…

He remembered a great grey drake looming over the rubble of doomed Coroulis amidst the falling snow. The terrible monster flicked its tail out and smashed an attacking guard. Frozen chunks of meat were thrown into the air as the man shattered. The crimson broken pieces fell to the ground and rolled through the snow. The roar of the beast echoed through the city and his home was forever lost...

He remembered choosing to live his life out in the Deep Green. The forests of the North contained seemingly endless terrors and monsters but also humbling beauty. There, he’d taken up arms for pride and empty vengeance but then continued fighting just because it was all he’d known. His friends had fallen one by one until he was all alone, and then he had even lost her...

He remembered a nervous green face looking up at him. It was dirty and ugly but for some reason it mattered to him. Instinctively, he clung to the memory for a stubborn second but then it slipped away with the rest and there was only darkness...
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ClearMadness

Bio: Not actually a goblin.

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Rift123 @Rift123 ago

u posting any more chapters

ClearMadness
Author

ClearMadness @ClearMadness ago

01/12/2015 22:21:18Rift123 Wrote: [ -> ]u posting any more chapters


Starting now I will be posting something like one a day here until I catch up. Thanks for the interest.

Enferno @Enferno ago

I have to say, I had bit of a trouble reading this to start. That's my own issue, seeing as my brain instinctively doesn't project hopes onto stories as well as it being in search mode grammar wise.

With that said, I'm actually quite surprised at the quality of the story. The hook, specially for a prologue, was oddly pulling.
A person out in the snow and cold going somewhere. At this point, several thoughts pulled me to get a question answered.

No sane person goes out to travel in cold and snow if they not have to, so it must be quite important. What is this important thing that this person must do or get?

But wait, what if they are NOT sane? what if they do this just for fun? What is there reason for doing this then?

These questions are the pull that got me to read the rest of the prologue. I must have my answer.

Of course, the answer to my question ends relatively quickly. It pulled me in just enough to want to see where the story was heading though.

Kudos for that.

I have not 'read' chapter 1, but it seems you time skipped 'Many years later' from prologue.

Just my thoughts, but it feels slightly jarring to read about snow and cold with a mutant drake terrorizing the town/settlement and then shift to a goblin's perspective in chapter 1. I'm guessing you are going to combine/connect the dots later on, but the shift feels odd if they don't have even a tiny bit of immediate relevance to your first chapter.

Especially when the prologue feels like it has a good hook compared to the hook of chapter 1.

Waking up anywhere feels bland. Odds are a reader will get a bunch of information from a person waking up in a story and that info usually doesn't feel like it was presented in a way that flows naturally to the reader.

I'll have to give this story more of my time to make a decision if I like it enough to read all of it.

The MC not being a human is a good enough pull.

ClearMadness
Author

ClearMadness @ClearMadness ago

19/01/2016 03:15:04Enferno Wrote: [ -> ]I have to say, I had bit of a trouble reading this to start. That's my own issue, seeing as my brain instinctively doesn't project hopes onto stories as well as it being in search mode grammar wise.

With that said, I'm actually quite surprised at the quality of the story. The hook, specially for a prologue, was oddly pulling.
A person out in the snow and cold going somewhere. At this point, several thoughts pulled me to get a question answered.

No sane person goes out to travel in cold and snow if they not have to, so it must be quite important. What is this important thing that this person must do or get?

But wait, what if they are NOT sane? what if they do this just for fun? What is there reason for doing this then?

These questions are the pull that got me to read the rest of the prologue. I must have my answer.

Of course, the answer to my question ends relatively quickly. It pulled me in just enough to want to see where the story was heading though.

Kudos for that.

I have not 'read' chapter 1, but it seems you time skipped 'Many years later' from prologue.

Just my thoughts, but it feels slightly jarring to read about snow and cold with a mutant drake terrorizing the town/settlement and then shift to a goblin's perspective in chapter 1. I'm guessing you are going to combine/connect the dots later on, but the shift feels odd if they don't have even a tiny bit of immediate relevance to your first chapter.

Especially when the prologue feels like it has a good hook compared to the hook of chapter 1.

Waking up anywhere feels bland. Odds are a reader will get a bunch of information from a person waking up in a story and that info usually doesn't feel like it was presented in a way that flows naturally to the reader.

I'll have to give this story more of my time to make a decision if I like it enough to read all of it.

The MC not being a human is a good enough pull.


I'm glad you like it so far. Ya, the transition from the prologue to chapter 1 is a bit jarring. I'll have to think about it.

Myroleran @Myroleran ago

This is now my drug of choice

Manic_design @Manic_design ago

"Most the inhabitants of the city had" I see a missing word here, just wanted to tell you since I like the story.

", he had get his father to safety." - found another one

ClearMadness
Author

ClearMadness @ClearMadness ago

26/01/2016 20:59:57 Wrote: [ -> ]"Most the inhabitants of the city had" I see a missing word here, just wanted to tell you since I like the story.

", he had get his father to safety." - found another one


Thanks for pointing these out.

cerethor @cerethor ago

Looks good so far, I'm planning on burning through your chapters pretty soon. Always nice to see a well written series come to RRL.

I do have some (hopefully constructive) feedback:


  • Too many adjectives. The writing feels more descriptive than necessary in parts, especially around action. Caveat: it stands out way more on RRL because most fictions here suffer from the opposite problem.

  • Aside from the adjectives, the pacing feels a bit off? The sentences are very evenly grouped. Makes reading feel a bit languid.

  • The dialogue and internal monologue feels a bit unnatural . Especially the exposition, you're way more natural with it than most RRL authors, but it stands out in dialogue. "Every real Coroulian can take a little ice and snow. Otherwise they would have moved south or back across the ocean to the Homelands'", no one would expound on what a 'real Coroulian' would be; because it assumes it's a cultural value; they'd be more likely to just imply that they are a 'real Coroulian' in response to a question about the cold.  "I'm a proper Coroulian after all'" kind of feel instead.
    I'm getting on a bit of tangent, but my main point is that you are probably putting too much thought into your dialogue, to explain circumstances and doing a bit too much exposition.

  • Considering the effort you are putting into your work, I'm guessing you might be considering eventually turning this into a book. If that's true I understand wanting to keep weird formatting out, but if that's not the case since it's the web I'd suggest you explore the medium a bit. You can play with styling, font, spacing and especially on RRL you can basically do crazy things to make dialogue stand out that most editors would never allow.

19/01/2016 05:03:49ClearMadness Wrote: [ -> ]I'm glad you like it so far. Ya, the transition from the prologue to chapter 1 is a bit jarring. I'll have to think about it.

I agree that it's jarring. You might consider inserting something like '5 years before the story begins' at the beginning of the prologue. You could also close the chapter with a bit more finality  'Jarrack would remember this day for the years to come'.

All my nitpicking aside, I really like the feel and overall quality so far (I've skimmed later chapters), so I'm only pointing things out that takes this from great to awesome in my eyes.

ClearMadness
Author

ClearMadness @ClearMadness ago

08/02/2016 05:28:31cerethor Wrote: [ -> ]Looks good so far, I'm planning on burning through your chapters pretty soon. Always nice to see a well written series come to RRL.

I do have some (hopefully constructive) feedback:

  • Too many adjectives. The writing feels more descriptive than necessary in parts, especially around action. Caveat: it stands out way more on RRL because most fictions here suffer from the opposite problem.

  • Aside from the adjectives, the pacing feels a bit off? The sentences are very evenly grouped. Makes reading feel a bit languid.

  • The dialogue and internal monologue feels a bit unnatural . Especially the exposition, you're way more natural with it than most RRL authors, but it stands out in dialogue. "Every real Coroulian can take a little ice and snow. Otherwise they would have moved south or back across the ocean to the Homelands'", no one would expound on what a 'real Coroulian' would be; because it assumes it's a cultural value; they'd be more likely to just imply that they are a 'real Coroulian' in response to a question about the cold.  "I'm a proper Coroulian after all'" kind of feel instead.
    I'm getting on a bit of tangent, but my main point is that you are probably putting too much thought into your dialogue, to explain circumstances and doing a bit too much exposition.

  • Considering the effort you are putting into your work, I'm guessing you might be considering eventually turning this into a book. If that's true I understand wanting to keep weird formatting out, but if that's not the case since it's the web I'd suggest you explore the medium a bit. You can play with styling, font, spacing and especially on RRL you can basically do crazy things to make dialogue stand out that most editors would never allow.

19/01/2016 05:03:49ClearMadness Wrote: [ -> ]I'm glad you like it so far. Ya, the transition from the prologue to chapter 1 is a bit jarring. I'll have to think about it.

I agree that it's jarring. You might consider inserting something like '5 years before the story begins' at the beginning of the prologue. You could also close the chapter with a bit more finality  'Jarrack would remember this day for the years to come'.

All my nitpicking aside, I really like the feel and overall quality so far (I've skimmed later chapters), so I'm only pointing things out that takes this from great to awesome in my eyes.


Thanks for the great feedback. I'll eventually be doing a edit run through of my earlier stuff and I'll definitely be keeping your advice in mind.

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