The Solitary Sword Sovereign
One day, every human on earth was given a class and gained abilities. People gained levels and stats; like strength and agility.
Will Chamberlain; a 16 year old, was given the class Water Meister. He had the ability to freely control water. An ability that had more than meets the eye.
At the same time mysterious structures called dungeons showed up all around the world. Demons escaped from them, and attacked mankind. Those who conquered these dungeons, would be rewarded with power beyond their wildest dreams.This was not easy as they were filled with many dangers.
Will decided to enter a dungeon.
His power... water.
His weapon... a katana.
His true aim... immortality.
His key... walking the martial path.
His destiny... to conquer the dao of the sword!
Join Will as he fights to build his own empire, in a world plagued with demons, dungeons and many more mysterious forces:
"I am not controlled by the system, it shall be controlled by me. I will be a sovereign!"
Novel by Patriarch Onion (Also the author of Titan's Throne) and hosted on theonionjunktion on royal road with the commentary of the beautiful and handsome Cookie. Will try our best to keep to the schedule, for now it's twice weekly on Tuesday and Thursday!
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Review of is to chapter 17
disclaimer: I was downvoted kinda of in my previous review? if you guys want to actually help the author improve maybe write your own detailed one and lets see what do you have to say instead of mindless 5/5
Okay author i have lost my faith in you by now. The sh!t you have wrote is just pure crap and i can no longer ignore it. The one thing you have centairly learned is not mentioning dao as your go to be 'magic system' which is good. But now the bad things which i will quote.
The art of the sword was based on speed and agility. On earth eastern swordsmanship was far more advanced than western swordsmanship. Western swordsmanship was too slow, and it often relied on the weight of the sword itself, with the exception of some styles like fencing, but even those styles were too simplistic and couldn't adapt to certain situations, like for example being attacked from all sides like Will.
To battle in such situations, one not only required skilled swordsmanship, one also required what separates oriental swordsmanship from the rest. Footwork.
In terms of footwork, kendo is the fastest martial art on earth. The striking speed of a kendo master is unmatched. This is mostly due to its unique footwork. If you were to carefully look at a kendo duel, you would notice that the participants spend most of the match, on their toes!
TOTAL BULLSH!T. I was really pissed off by this why? BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU DID RESEARCH! And you did not. Firstly western martial arts are less know cuz its the fashion of the world right now. CHina and japan are big economies invading the western side of the world with their culture. The mass of kendo masters that have imigrated to USA and other countries teaching their art made it even more popular in west. But what about our own western martial arts? they were simply lost as we didnt care for our own lagacy. HEMA is now recovering most of them and their are doing a good job here. They werent inferior to eastern martial arts in any aspect they were simply different. How would else the warriors of middle ages to baroque fight with their lives on the line? not knowing how to fight properly?when being as soldier/knight was your job and fighting on a war was your life in the day you would do everything to boost your chance of winning did you not? so you claiming that western martial arts are better in ANY Fuck!ing way is just pure SH!T
ahh yes kendo and fencing. This is yet another reason i know you havent researched a thing on the subject. In Kendo THERE IS A RULE that your back foot must only be touching the ground with your toes. It is a classical stance for kendo and its only the backfoot. Besides kendo is a very limiting SPORT you can only hit a couple of areas that will be giving you points and you cant use other stances. THE same goes with olimpic fencing. HEMA practisioners divide the 2 disciplines of fencing between acutal fensing which is the art of sparring/fighting with a sword and olimpic/sport fencing which due to the latest changes(latest 20 years) in rules is an electrical game of tag. you must hit your enemy 0.04 s before he hits you and you win, while in reality while you would hit him he could hit you back with much more force and kill you while he only suffered a superficial injury. Thats why they call it a game of tag. Its the same situation with kendo by being severaly restricted by rules its only sport without any martial art meaning. what are you looking for is KENJUTSU . Its the general art of fighting a japanese sword. Which your superficial reaserch havent even touched right? Magical footwork of a 'kendo' master? wtf man every swordsman be it eastern or western their footwork is focused on exploding with sudden speed and power to catch the opponent offguard so your statement is pure crap again. Your knowledge and your research on the subject is superficial.
Now you want to include too many cliche tropes together. Gamer like system with wuxia/xianxia/xianhuan cultivation with dao and 5 gates and other japanese tropes which i will mention later. Its just you cant decide on what mechanics should work and what shouldnt . You want to include so many things in your story its just makes it a one big clusterf!ck of ideas and cliche tropes it makes me cringe everytime i read cuz you want to include so many things just so to have more readers which is BAD. you dont do a story just throwing every freaking cool sh!t you find.
another thing is you said you no longer watch anime and you didnt use its style. AH yesr where did i remeber this awesome samurai duel. A FLASH. and then he finishes his opponent saying some cool technique name puting his sword into scabard. WHERE DID I SEE THAT ? oh and japanese Names of your moves what a bullshit do you really have to include that? just for the rool of cool WHICH IS SO CRINGY I WANT TO VOMIT??
the next thing is that your MC IS STILL OP AS F!CK . YOU KNOW HOW A HUGE NUMBER IS 100 000? they would just CRUSH HIM WITH MASS. You defenitly have IET disease as you want make everything big. The MC finishes everything and kills all the enemies. Then more enemies come and even tho you say that he ahve problems everyone know that will finish it in seconds cuz well he is such op right? right??!?!?!??!?It is just so annoying to know that MC wont face any hard ships in the story. His emotional problems will resolve itself with his power and awesomeness . Get me one guy some hardcore MMO player from korea which will grind 24/7 for money and is a huge nerd. I will bet 1 000 000$ he wouldnt survive in a really harsh enviroment which is some fantasy dungeon or whatever. Thats how annoying it is that MC has no flaws and even tho he was just a normal human now he doesnt have any problems going into battle and all. IN F!CKING 2 DAYS HE IS SOME MASTER F!CKING WHATEVER SHIT.
You hugely base your story on the effect of awe from readers as in chinese novels. The things is i dont like chinese novels as they make MC op and all and he doesnt have any problemsBUt those novels have somehwat good pacing and nice worldbuilding. WHile your story HAS HORRIBLE PACING you make everything too quick to only throw us more and more chapters for i dont know what ? money? okay its your life but this pure crap qulity wont earn you much.
Oh and enemies that are intelligent as humans yet this king of storm wolves is idiotic as a stupid dog. NOONE would be so stupid as to wait for everyone of his subordinates to die... It just makes him a dog in my eyes. MC which was really low in hierarchy is suddenly fighting above his rank AFTER 2 days or so and deafets supposedy intelligent beasts. REALLY??!?!? Oh and the MC has 6th sense and changes the enviroment to get him more places to hide. YET NO ONE NOTICES CLEANLY CUT ROCKS??? so why the animals dont have the sixth sense? normally beasts would be more aware than a human and have the instincts that would 'scream in their head' thats something is weird. and it was it beast knew something wasnt right yet it does nothing and just STAYS IN ONE PLACE!
now.custom skills. OKay its kinda fair that there are custom skills. BUT it states that it must be a very difficult to do spell/skill to do and all and you must be the first one to do so . So why noone in the system compresed water and fired it to deal damage? its elementary school level of knowledge that you see in TV and yet NOBODY got the idea of doing it? And while it maybe somewhat hard difficulty it someone WOULD be firtst before the MC.you describe it as its some really hard thing to know yet almost everybody knows it and i doubt the races in the system are so stupid as to not do it. and How would water blade then work OR wind blade. FOr them to cut anything you would need to compress it normally it would be just as tronger splash of water.
SO The final verdict:
You throw the chapters at readers in hope that it will make you money counting on the AWE in your chapters that will makethem like it. Throwing here enormous amount of tropes so everybody could like it and enormous amount of cliche things. OP MC because everybody on the site think it is how you should write a story. You dont think while writing chapters and just want to prodeuce more of them while writing. And its not the speed that is important ion writing. Your pacing and characters are horrible and the sotry is pure BULLSH!T AND CRAP
it may be harsh but it is 2/10 for me and i dont know if i will ever touch it again if you wont listen to advices of some people and wont do some serious research
and while i am spitting at you those bull...and craps i dont want you to stop writing and when you cant take this level of criticism then writing publicly is just not for you my friend.SO i would offer you that i may be your BETA reader and i would want to have a serious talk with you on skype or other platform. Just PM me on reddit and we can start something.
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- Character Score
There is pretty much a complete lack of any character building within the story, he has a large family, he has no unique aspects, out of no where his family gets good talents because of him?, all in all the main character is extremely one dimensional.
since I'm trying to help you improve with an honest evaluation
- when creating a character try and introduce a type of mindset ( it could be anything ; caring, violent, timid and so on. Obviously in this type of story it is based off the gradual growth of the character so show how it changes him not tell or just change it without any indication.)
- character backgrounds are a major one as they influence how the character interacts with others, the type of tendency's/habits they might have, their mindset and attitude towards others.( all in all you provided a invisible background that has little to no meaning on the actual story.)
- side characters are another main point, I get if you are trying to introduce quirky characters to get the readers engaged but try not to go too overboard and provide solid backgrounds with mindsets and attitudes that match that type of character.
now onto the story development, which is much harder to comment on due to the variations between the settings.
- setting has a major effect on how the story develops and it helps if you make each setting meaningful and have descriptions to match it well ( such as in a forest, you would describe the forest itself and in the example of a character reacting to an unknown presence, make him find out from the breaking of sticks on the ground).
the story is pretty much the core idea and what all your ideas are based around, make sure when you state certain ideas that their it is valid a good example was mention by K.K The Chainmail below with the statement you made about swordsmanship with eastern being better than western and the numbers factor of 100 000 monsters yet the MC won easily. Have you noticed that in Xianxia/Xuanhuan stories have army/ multiple people scenes it will be nowhere near those numbers that you have listed, due to the unrelatable context of the number people would find it hard to connect on a mental level with the character. In your recent chapter with the use of the Law of Physic's, was in my view a good use of context as it provided a level on which we the readers can connect with. Originality is very important, the use of Japanese anime move names and how they work wasn't a good idea as even Japanese novels don't use that and for good reason; they exaggerate way too much.
so key points are
- Keep certain ideas on realistic levels
- Create Original Ideas on everything( Weapons, Technqiues, Characters, Situations).
- use valid logic
- create characters that we can connect with on a mental level
- make sure your backgrounds mean something whether it is main characters or side characters.
-also there is nothing wrong with OP characters as long as they are executed well, but do not make them OP without any good logic
- and as for romance which I haven't mentioned above, I find that the best romance's to create a meaningful love interest is the slow romances as we the readers can understand the characters emotions better.
- Also a statement well known to writers and editors, Show Don't Tell.
and that is all from me, by the way this took me 30 minutes to write note; I have not edited what I have written in this case but take the information I have provided and if you want to see if you can change the story a little bit that might be a good idea.
- Overall Score
Bro in love with the story so far and please dont drop it. Ill read it as long as you continue to write it bro
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great story so far can't wait to see how it goes
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Most people aren't able to pull this off, but your doing great! I can't wait for later chapters!
Needs a little bit more character development, and sometimes, I get confused over when something is happening...