Rise of the wyvern god

by DemonReadsNovels

Original Adventure Fantasy Romance Anti-Hero Lead LitRPG Male Lead Non-Human lead Reincarnation
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity

A man named Damon was hitting on some girls in the club until he got punched in the face by her boyfriend as he was falling down he hit his head on a table and was reincarnated.

PS. i don't own the cover shout out to him who does and PLZ don't hate me for Grammar since this is my first novel.

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  • Character Score
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EmilyEvelan
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Before I start this review, I would like to explain the title. This story is pretty bad. However, everyone started by being bad, then working their way up. Don't drop this one. Keep writing and look back at how much you improved. You can start another novel later, but you can always use this one to gauge your skills.

My scale: [1: Terrible] [2: Bad] [3: Okay] [4: Good] [5: Excellent]

The overall is an average of the other scores, rounded up.

 

Style [1]: This fiction flows terribly. I lost track of my position in the novel several times because of how badly it is paragraphed. The punctuation such as commas and periods within a paragraph is nonexistent.

Several times, I found myself asking if you purposefully went back and deleted all the punctuation.

Aside from how well it reads, the style itself is terrible as well. It's full of you telling us what happened in an extremely dull way made worse by how difficult it is to slog through it.

There is a reason why "show-don't-tell" is so important in the writing community. It's almost always more exciting and immersive to show the reader the action rather than narrating what happened. This novel is an example of the latter.

However, this means there is room for improvement.

 

Story [1.5]: Despite your self-patting, having a unique way for your character to die and reincarnate does not make it special. This is made even worse since you yourself referenced other novels of this type, thus lumping this novel into that group.

Like most amateur LitRPG with monsters, your story starts out with your MC killing things and leveling up. However, unlike more well-written stories, your character is not very interesting, nor does he feel real. More on this in the character section.

So far, this feels like a generic LitRPG novel. There is no reason for me to read this over any other novels. Grabbing my interest is your job, and a unique premise for your story is a good way to do this. A good character is another way.

 

Grammar [2]: I'm going to put punctuation and spelling into this section as well. There's no nice way to put this besides "no way left to go but up." Your grammar is actually not too bad, but your spelling and punctuation really needs work.

Your problem with huge paragraphs can be partially fixed by actually putting punctuation in the sentences to give readers a break while reading. Punctuation can also elucidate the meaning of the sentence. Think of the classic example:

"Let's eat, Grandma!" and "Let's eat Grandma!"

Punctuation is a big deal.

As for spelling... just read more books. Reading more books will expand your vocabulary and show you the correct way of spelling things. Searching your word on the internet in a good way to make sure you're spelling things correctly; if you were wrong, Google often gives you the correct version.

Read your writing over to check for spelling mistakes.

 

Character [1.5]: Your character is dull. He doesn't even have a name. It doesn't seem to be a stylistic choice either, considering your second chapter. 

Your character is generic and without any special points. He has no motivations aside from maybe a weak intent to survive and procreate. He is apathetic (though this can be a result of your telling of the story, and not showing.)

His only uniqueness is that he's reincarnated, and the child of the Wyvern King. However, in a meta sense, your character becomes even more generic.

To put it simply, your character has the personality of a cardboard.

A good character is a good way to hook a reader to your story. You threw that away with your cardboard.

 

Finally:

Grammarly has a free version. If nothing else, please use it.

By the way, don't use "second language" as an excuse. In this day and age, it's extremely easy to learn a language to the intermediate level once you have the basics down. Even if you're not willing to make that effort, most of the technical faults can be hidden with external tools such as GRAMMARLY.

Grammarly. I cannot stress this enough. For word processors, Microsoft Word is better for catching mistakes. Google Docs is also an option, but honestly, it sucks and often wrongly flag things. Prowritingaid is also an excellent option if you need something more indepth than Grammarly, but you need to sign up for that one.

About getting better: Simply look at my writing history. Go through each of my fictions (not counting the Hamster one). You will see that my first novel was a pile of gibberish not much better than yours. However, as I wrote more and more, my writing became more legible and less bad. Right now, I am sitting right around average, but I am confident that as I write more, I will get better.

You will too.

DDclash
  • Overall Score

If you improve, glad for you.
If not, please don't write more novels, if you ask why: 1) There's already alot of garbage on RRL, I don't want a few more. 2) If you didn't improve and someone, not mature enough to just laugh at it, read it, what will you tell to their parents?
P.s. 50 Int for such a stupid hero is too much.

P.s.sAnd if you improve + rewrite the story, please write me in PM, I will delete my review, well, if it's bother you.