The CrInGe-FeSt!

#1
Welcome to the most serious competition ever devised: The CrInGe-FeSt.

What is 'The CrInGe-FeSt'?

Guess...

Basically, write the first chapter to a fiction you never want to see exist, by say... April 1st, sometime around noon UTC+0. (Totally not planned...)
And don't worry about it being so close to the date. As you'll see the point after you read how the scoring works but basically, if these take you more than half an hour to an hour, you're taking home the try-hard award.

Are there any rules to 'The CrInGe-FeSt'?

Well yeah, otherwise I'd probably get banned for this turning into something horrendous.

Rules are:

1) Don't be offensive. 

Basically don't bash things agressively, don't be the obvious cancer and no outright hateful words. I'm aiming for this contest to mainly be about letting steam off about cliches and annoyances in other's fictions, like OP little girls calling everyone Onii-chan obnoxiously and four fifths of the chapter being pointless exposition. Offensive things will probably just be deleted by staff, and not credited in the contest.

2) 500 words at least, though, I will probably be lienient on this. I just want people to read enough to satisfy the obvious self-hatred they have for reading the entries for this contest with any seriousness.

3) Label warnings. 

The warnings are, again, mainly to make sure that this contest doesn't get purged, people don't read what they aren't to their liking and so on. And these are the RRL warnings I'm talking about, say labelling profanity, sexual content, Gore and traumatising content. Though, feel free to add in any tags or other warnings outside of RRL, like 'poor grammar' if you feel like it's important.

4) Use spoiler tags over your entry.

Spoiler tags are just to make the entries easier to read, and give options for which ones the readers really want to see. Do them by typing:

Code:
[spoiler] (your 'amazing' entry) [/spoiler]


5) Have fun. This is clearly a serious contest, but... 

Who am I kidding? It isn't. Honestly, the entire point is to have fun trying to annoy readers into submission with every literary crime you can get away with. Any seriousness is just misses the point, which is why the rules will be decently lax and the voting below is the way it is (Apart from the 1st and 3rd rules, which will be taken seriously.)

How does the scoring work?

People will submit entries into this thread with comments.

Whenever I end the contest's entry stage, I will make a google form with all the applicants and give everyone a choice to vote for them. Everyone voting gets to pick three entries to vote for, however...

By like the 3rd, the entry with the LEAST votes will WIN and the entry with the MOST votes will LOSE and be dubbed 'The Try-hard'. 

I'd advise people to vote for the entry they most want to read as a real fiction, but if the voter wants to be a troll, the writers will just have to deal with it.

What is the point?

You're missing the point by asking. Good job!

Example:

Cringest-fest Entry. Title: My Imouto is OP, but hey, I'm not that bad...

Tags: litrpg, Male MC. Warnings: Use of the word 'Baka' many times.

Spoiler :


“-an!!! Wake up!!!” someone says, waking me up...

“Onii-chan!!! Wake up!!!” they scream again, like a broken record.

“Onii-ch…” I stop them before they can repeat it once more. My ears are already killing me, this baka doesn’t need to make it worse.

I look up at the girl above me, and question what I did wrong in my life… 

“Mmph…” whilst I’m shrugging my head in disdain, the girl murmurs beneath my hand, making it slimy.

Smacking her lightly on the head, I state, “Don’t lick my hand BAKA!”

Replying with a whine, her lively expression turned to one of depression.

Letting go of her mouth, I ask, “I’m awake, what is it?”

“Onii-chan…” she moans. “You really don’t remember?” She sighs, a tear forming from the corner of her large, hypnotising purple eyes…

“Right… Do I really need to take you?” I mumble myself, groaning at remembering it’s her qualifying day…

By the way, a qualifying day is where you graduate to becoming whatever you want. For those with intelligence but no skills, it’s doing an exam to win employment with the guild, for others with creative skills, it’s joining a school for crafting, smithing or artist to later join on of their clans… And for people like me and my cheat-like, thick-headed sister, Miku, it’s joining the adventurers academy.

Here, in the kingdom of the Azorith, there are schools and academies for all types of people. The one we’re going to is the royal Sunlight-Cape academy of adventuring, a prestigious academy in the capital city of Azorith city. 

Now, for why I say ‘cheat-like’ in describing Miku, it’s rather simple. She breaks the rules of being a human. 

Like me, my only class is 'Magician' majoring in Void, my level is about 38 and I’ve passed the 1st year in flying colours. I’d show you my table but... let’s not digress. 

Anyway, my sister on the other hand? Her classes (and yes, that is a plural) are Swordsman and Priest. Oh, and her level is 26 in both classes regardless of only doing primary-school level fights. To call me and her one similar is to call pluto and the sun the same.

“ONII-CHAN!!!” she screams, piercing my thoughts by grabbing my shoulders and shaking me for most of my HP. “ONII-”

I cut her off again, teleporting away from her before I really went into red health.

“Baka Miku! Stop that! I almost died due to you!” I yell, chopping her head, this time without holding back.

“Auu…” Her whines and tears flow like water.

“Better. Now then, what’s the time?” I ask, answering my own question by looking at the clock. “Crap… Out! I need to change,” and upon ordering that, I make sure she leaves, quickly shower then start to change in a hurry.

With my school robe, shirt, suit-trousers and black shoes all equipped and ID in my dimensional storage, I head downstairs where my imouto awaited.

“Onii-chan!” she alerts me to her present, in our cramped hallway, and gives me some toast. 

Her smile glimmering with her pink hair perfectly straight and sparking, swaying in the mild wind from the open door. Her skirt way too short, though the stockings underneath obscured most of the offending skin from sight, and her cardigan was slightly too big, so her sleeves drooped from her wrists.

“Let’s go!” she screams, grabbing my free hand whilst breaking off into a sprint. 

The blinding summer sun and azure sky overhead greeting us on our way out.

RE: The CrInGe-FeSt!

#2
In the spirit of this competition, I wrote this immediately. Please suffer its existence.

Title: It's Only to be Expected
Tags: Male MC, Wuxia, Cringe(hopefully)
Spoiler :
 
From high atop this chilly mountain peak, I let my gaze drift down the slopes until it rushes to meet with the mighty river flowing away from here. The sun sets over my shoulder, my shadow looms over the grass fields below. It heats my back and a brisk wind laps against the sweat on my brow. It is a pleasant moment. Something I am savoring.


I twist at the ring on my finger. The spirit trapped within will be bothered, but such a simple action keeps him secured for another day. To think it was so easy to trap the mighty mountain spirit. Only someone of my supreme intellectual level could fathom such a daring plan. That luck had shone down upon my actions was to be expected. I was a favored child of the heavens. With my will I molded reality.


This was a rare break for me. Days had been spent preparing for what I had just accomplished with ease. Where others might spend their entire lives to only have the smallest chance at success. Trying the first plot that flitted through my thoughts naturally led to my success. It had only taken me so long due to the incompetence of others. Honestly, I probably set a record capturing this spirit. Yet it is just another tally mark on my path of excellence.


I have so many more things to do in the coming days, months and years. The heavens have chosen me. Chosen me to ascend beyond this realm, to reach towards their splendor. But first, I shall pillage all the world before I strive towards divinity. There is no rest for the blessed.


I catch a glint on the horizon, my vision is beyond a hawks, keener than an owls. I easily spot a huge wolf as it sneaks along the plains. It stalks a trade caravan of mundanes. Where there is bloodshed there is profit. I let myself fall off the mountain peak. The wind rushes through my hair as I reach terminal velocity. A moment before I strike the jagged rocks below, I call upon my gifts to aid me.


I pull out of free fall and accelerate into the sky. The air around me cracks as I break the sound barrier. A shroud of energy wraps around my body, keeping my condition presistine, and elegant. It’s too bad no beautiful women are here to witness me in action. It is fun to show off. Women are easy to please for a man as magnificent as myself. People tell me it is my power they are attracted to. But what does it matter. My power is me, I am my power. Women come to me either way. Incompetent as those fools are they never stood a chance anyway.


I am so fast that the wolf is still mid-pounce. I strike down from the sky with the fury of lightning. The wolf is obliterated as I crush its dust a mile into the road below me. I naturally hold back slightly so that I can grab the extremely rare beast core, it is a mutated one, the wolf was one of a kind.


I emerge from my crater and glance at the mundane corpses strewn around the impact zone. It looks like an earthquake tore the fields here apart. Casually I glance over the spilled goods they were transporting. Oho, it seems one of them is still alive. A pretty girl at that. She would do well as my companion for this evening. Tsk tsk, though. She is near death. Not that the boundary between life and death is a hurdle for one such as I. As her life passes from this plane, I contort my hands into a gesture. If anyone else could even fathom a technique like this one it would take them thousands of gestures and an entire day to do what I do in mere seconds. I crack my neck and look with glee as her body rises from the ground. She quickly kneels before me, prostrating herself. As she should.


This is my personal reanimation spell. It imbues enough spiritual energy into anybody so that my ghostly companion can seize control and serve me until the body melts underneath the pressure. Mundane bodies like this usually only last half a day. Mundane bodies are poor stock, and I will need to wash thoroughly after tonight. But I have been alone in the mountains for almost a day now. I am due this indulgence. When I get back to the capitol I will be sure to feast on the King’s daughters again. I am me after all.


I leave my sex spirit in place and continue to survey the mundane goods. My nose twitches. Ho-ho, what have we here. Of course, they were too stupid to recognize what a relic they were carrying. It’s packed away like it’s some random trinket. It is, in fact, an ancient artifact. I levitate it free from the junk it was encased with and quickly scan it. A secret map to the forgotten city of Treasure, huh? It is only accessible once every 1000 years it seems, and it will open tomorrow. As my luck wills it, I am only half a day away from the opening.


With half a day to spare, and my spirit looking so enticing, I have an easy way to pursue some leisure before setting off once again. This world is mine to play with after all. I am the divine son, the incarnation of success and the purveyor of my own whim. Rare and ancient artifacts are mine by right. The natural resources of this world exist to rocket me along my path in life.


Afterall, it's my way or the highway.

RE: The CrInGe-FeSt!

#3
Cringe-fest title entry: “Heeeeey, bastard.”

Warnings: Profanity
Tags: Teen, School, Stupidity.

Spoiler :
 “Heeeeey, bastard.” Says Najurs. “Let’s play DnD,”

I look at him.

“No.”

“Whhhy?” He whines.

He takes off his bag and puts it on the bench.

“Because you’re a bitch.”

He sits down.

“I knooo~ that! I want to play, man.” He says.

I sigh.

“Shut. Up.” I say.

“Noooo~ I want to play!” 

“I swear to fucking god, Najurs, that I will chop off your dick and make you swallow it whole.”

Thuuuuu.” He says.

“Yeah. Now stop bothering me.”

“No.”

“Fuck off.”

“Ok. Here?”

“Huh-What the hell, man?”

He laughs.

I stare at him blankly.Then I sigh and put my head in my hands. Another stupid fucking day of school.

***


My place got changed. I ended up at the last bench, next to Nayla. He’s a tall guy. In front of us is Akihsna, a girl. Her boyfriend sits on the bench right next to hers.

The first period is free. I do jackshit but talk with Nayla about songs.

“Did you hear the new Motor zaust song?” I say.

He nods.

“Do you mean health kid?”

“Yup.”

“Yeaaah man, it’s like ‘An old…  … health kid.’ Right?”

“Yeah, it’s totally awesome, I love it man.”

“Did you listen to…”

And so on. Occasionally the thought would pop up to complete my damn notes, but I squish those thoughts down as soon as they come.

Procrastination wins!

The bell rings. Classmates, still talking, start to search for their notes and textbooks. I just take out my classwork. I haven’t brought my textbooks yet. That’s going to come bite me in the ass later.

***


Hindi class passes by uneventfully. The teacher goes on explaining the chapter. I know I can understand bits and pieces if I tried to. I don’t. I’m too damn lazy to.

Instead I daydream.

***


“Die, motherfuckers!” I scream at the top of my voice.

Then music begins playing. It’s ‘Lightning’ by Real Dragons. I start dancing, and throwing lightning bolts. I laugh as I fry several monsters. 

“Thunder. Feel the-”

***


The bell rings, and I wipe the stupid smile off my face. My stomach tells me how pissed it is with me missing my breakfast. Luckily, it’s snacks.

After thanking the teacher, we head back up. I rush myself to class. I go to the last bench, my new place, and pick up my lunch bag.

I unzip it, and pull out a steel box. I undo the clasps on the side, and pull off the boxes within.

I see chapathi in the second and third box. The first box is curry. With cauliflower, and brinjal.

Are you fucking kidding me!?

Najurs comes and sits beside me. So does Lomna. Lomna brought three parotas. I take one and tear into it.

“Ayyy, what man, eat properly at least.” Najurs.

“That is called Hsohtnas bites. You know Hsohtnas? That faaaat fellow in 7th?” Lomna says.

“Shithead, I know who’s Hsohtnas.” Najurs says.

“Uh-with you, no… we’ll never know.” Lomna says.

“Bastard, pimp, motherfucker…”

I find myself sighing once again.

These are my bestfriends… What the hell was I thinking?

“What happened, man? Feeling so sad today?” Najurs says.

“Sad-ah? Me, and sad?” I ask.

Najurs shrugs.

“Eat shit and die.” I say.

“Ayyy…”

***


The bell rings.

I sigh in relief.

The biology teacher is not a… pleasant speaker. She makes my eardrums want to go and kill themselves. Ugh.

Then Najurs’ mom enters the class. Oh, right, she’s a teacher here. To be honest… I find it very hard to pay attention in her class. Her monotonous voice is like a hammer that keeps on bashing my skull to the point I’m half unconscious.

Luckily, me and some other students are called out as we missed an orientation for a conference yesterday. The next period is me noting down details in my head as my physics teacher says stuff.

Boring stuff. I bet you’d find the bit of doubt that kept on creeping on me a bit juicier in contrast. Well, fuck you. I’m not about to give you personal shit to keep you entertained.

The next period after is me making notes for English. I took twenty minutes. After that, I just fidgeted with my pencil and listened in on conversations nearby. High school drama is interesting enough to keep me occupied.

Oh, and Nayla had gone and sat with some other guys. Otherwise, I would’ve been talking with him rather than just listening to childish crap.

The boy- Ivar sitting next to me keeps on nagging the girl sitting next to Akishna, the girl with a boyfriend. 

“Htikil. Htikil? Oy, Htikil.” He keeps on saying. 

That’s not the girl’s name, that’s for sure. I can hardly recall what it is, though. She turns around, and he raises his hands.

“Lihka.” He nods. “Lihka.”

“Ayyy, Ivar!” The girl says.

“Insta. Insta.” He says, and nods.

I’m left with having to decode this strange conversation. It gives me something to do until lunch arrives, at least.

***


Right after lunch is Social, of course. Super strict Aynad mam. And… a bit of a gossip girl. 

Meh. She discusses serious crap about the exams, and I don’t miss a thing. Concentrating is much more easier when you know what’s waiting for you once you lose it.

After that, is teaching, and notetaking. I have a couple pages to complete. I’ll procrastinate on that later. Now, I jot down what’s given.

After that is good old physics again. I make sure to keep full control of my facial muscles (i.e, deadpan. I don’t act very well, so ‘Giving nothing away’ is the ideal choice here.) during her lecture. It’s annoyingly hard and I find myself drifting off very occasionally.

***


Pain, let the bullets fly oh let them rain…” I scream, as I stomp the ground, creating a massive crater. Arrows rain down upon me, but the ones that hit me shatter.

***


I may have been reading too much wuxia and fantasy lately. 

Anyways, once the period is over, the chemistry sir takes over. Free period, woo!

Actually, not ‘woo!’.Why? I’m once again listening to fucking gossip. And the girl who has a crush on me keeps staring at me in the corner of my eyes. Not a very fun experience, that. I find myself extraodinarily self conscious. 

Then that period got over. It was diary period. I pull out the book.

The cover’s torn off. It’s in horrific condition. Meh, I couldn’t be bothered to ask my parents to get a new one. I go to the latest page, note down everything that happened in each period, go to my teacher, get it signed, and go back to my place. 

“Oy, how many days have you not got it signed, Barup?” Najurs says, loud enough for my teacher to hear.

She ignores him.

I laugh.

“28,” I say, grinning.

28, ah?” He says. “I only didn’t get it signed for 12 days. See, I’m so small. You, no… so big. So big.”

I dryly look at him.

“Riiiiight.”

The bell rings.

A lot of people are already packed up, and so they leave the class. Me, Najurs, and Lomna, not going by school van, have to wait for five minutes before we can leave as well. Instead, we wait for ten minutes, and are the last out of the gate.

I pull out a bazooka from nowhere and blow up a random bus. Najurs laughs, and then brings out a giant purple dildo. He launches himself onto a car and starts bashing the car with it. Lomna extends his hands towards the road and yells,

“First Arcanum!”

A stream of violet devastates the road.

I laugh.

“Nice name.” I say.

Lomna laughs and nods.

“Go fly off and get your girl.” I say.

He kicks himself off the ground, launching himself up by a few hundred meters. He flies towards the west.

Wait, how do I know which side is west?

“Yer compass, mate.” Jack Sparrow says, grinning at me. I look down and see the compass in my hands. He tips his hat and disappears.

The needle turns… to my left. I [voidwalk] continuosly until I find what the needle is pointing at. 

A signboard hangs there.

It reads; Break the fourth wall, and live a normal life.

An arrow mark points towards the ground. There’s a computer, laptop, tab and phone there. All have white casings.

I pick the phone up, and switch it on. Then I blink as I see you. In all of the moniters.

“Oh, hello reader. I’m going to have a nice time possessing you.”

I disappear, with a flash.The next moment, I’m standing right beside you, a shit-eating grin on my face.

RE: The CrInGe-FeSt!

#4
Voting has begun. Time for the battle of the century (lol) to be decided once and for all, by you! You have until the 4th of April to decide!

Link:

Spoiler :
Please note: you can vote for three entries, but voting for all three won't make a difference but padding the score...
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